I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Randomize
