I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
