One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
