i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Pooping to opera.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
