Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
