it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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