If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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