Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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