I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
