there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
