this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
