dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
