I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
