Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
