I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
