I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
