3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
