I accidentally burped into my bong.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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