my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
