Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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