my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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