I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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