You tried to poop in the sink last night.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
