My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
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