Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
