my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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