It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
