I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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