she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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