the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
mondays should just be called national damage control day
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
