If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
