Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
