when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
