I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
