she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
