i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
