I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
