If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
