I just cut my nipple shaving
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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