I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
