Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
