you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
