His hands were made for my vagina.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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