my mouth tastes like poor choices
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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