How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
