This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
