Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
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