i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
