She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
