can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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