It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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