i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
