I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
