Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
