Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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