Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
