Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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