I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm just crazy horny about you
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.