she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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